We called it a “ladies’ tea dance” for the first few years one of my fellow co-hosts was a well-known trans guy in the community, and we thought his leadership would be enough to make it clear that anyone with social connections to queer women would be welcome, too. I co-host monthly queer tea-dance parties in the warmer months, and my partners and I have struggled to promote our event to our desired audience.
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In most young, urban queer communities, at least, lesbian, in its implication of a cisgender woman to cisgender woman arrangement, is both inaccurate and gauche.īut then, it’s hard to organize around a community without a name. “She’s hosting a lesbian potluck!”) excludes many people I consider my peers. Using lesbian to refer to my queer sphere (e.g. Many of us have had or are currently enmeshed in sexual or romantic relationships with people who aren’t women. In her circles, as in mine, most romantic partnerships lean butch-femme or involve at least one trans or genderqueer person. One friend told me queer works better for her and her female spouse because lesbian implies a kind of sameness she doesn’t see in her relationship or those of her peers. My personal queer community comprises cisgender and transgender women transgender men and transmasculine people and people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer. And so we’re left in a gray area of nomenclature, searching for threads of unity in our pluralism, wondering what, if any, role lesbian can play in a future that’s looking queerer by the day.Ĭultural connotations aside, the main reason my friend and I felt (and still feel) more comfortable with queer than lesbian was practical: The word lesbian, insofar as it means a woman who is primarily attracted to women, does not correctly describe our reality. While all identities are a product of their respective historical moments, starting from scratch is a daunting prospect. But with a time-honored label comes history and meaning by leaving lesbian behind, we were rejecting, in part, a strong identity and legacy that we might have claimed as our own. We were convinced that our cool clothes and enlightened, radical paradigm made us something other than lesbians, a label chosen by progenitors who lived in a simpler time with stricter gender boundaries. Some of our resistance to the term lesbian arose, no doubt, from internalized homophobic notions of lesbians as unfashionable, uncultured homebodies. In the space between “lesbian” and “queer,” my friend and I located a world of difference in politics, gender presentation, and cosmopolitanism. In other words, we shared a common sexual orientation, but little, if any, cultural affiliation. She was the kind of dyke for whom the laughably niche Cosmopolitan lesbian-sex tip “ tug on her ponytail” might actually apply. A woman in this category was clearly down with the assimilationist, trans-exclusive politics of the likes of the Human Rights Campaign.
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We traveled in circles of dapper butches and subversive femmes the other women either easily passed as straight or dressed generically sporty in cargo shorts and flip-flips. But the women my friend and I mocked (and trust, I am duly shamed by this memory) were what we’d call “capital-L lesbians.” We were urban-dwelling and queer-identified and in our 20s the other women came from the suburbs, skewed older, and were, we presumed, unversed in queer politics. We, too, were lesbians-generally speaking.
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#Best gay cum facial 2016 code
Some years ago, a close friend and I developed a not-so-subtle code for queer women too basic for our tastes: We’d make an “L” with our thumbs and forefingers against our foreheads, like the loser sign that was popular when we were in middle school.